2012 was an eventful year, wrestlemania 28 was an apology for wrestlemania 27,it was a year of returns,repackages and debuts. It was the year a Hollywood sell-out became a beloved wrestler and the world rejoiced and a beloved wrestler became a Hollywood(well,Animal Planet!) sell-out and no-one noticed!
so with the new year started let's celebrate,slate and even defaecate on 2012 beginning with our first award.
THE DISCO STU(DEBUT OF THE YEAR)
CEST MIRACLE? NON! CEST CESERO!
The invasion of ring of honour wrestler into the 2 other Big Three companies continues with the likes of Dean Ambrose, Seth Rollins, Necro butcher(now called Luke Harper),Chris hero. But it's The man whose real name is Claudio Castonogli (i hope i spelt it right!) who made real headway this year, winning the us championship from the always embarrassing SHITE-tino, for 100+ days the new Swiss champion has quicky become a marquee name on smackdown. Sadly the next opponent for cesero is the Great Krappi-a man who is re-emerging onto our screens again.
HER ASHES STOPPED THE MISSLE LAUNCH!(EXIT OF THE YEAR)
ERIC YOUNG TRADES TAG TITLE FOR TROUT TACKLE
He may be the most underrated and loyal wrestler on the Impact roster but decade of shit gimmicks and missed opportunities (BRING BACK WORLD ELITE!) Finally took its toll, so when Eric sent Animal planet a pilot about his hobby of fishing, Discovery took the line. The Result?: a ratings topper a second series in the works and a tag title belt that means nothing. With Young written out it seems some-one must play the clown. I suggest the GOBSHITE FROM BIG BROTHER!
MY PLANET NEEDS ME(GOOD RIDDANCE!)
MR FUTURE ENDEAVOURS: HOISTED BY HIS OWN PETARD!
It will come to no surprise that the man deserving this award was a man reviled by all who past through the doors of the fed in the last 18 years! but Johnny ace also became double general manager making even the casual mark despise him, thankfully triple h is now a suit and took his job, while he was completely written out after a match with John "I HATE BEING CALLED THE GOLDEN BOY, EVEN THOUGH I AM!" Cena!
MARGE VERSUS VIOLENT TELEVISION
FUNNIEST MOMENT(KANE IS GOING TO DISNEYLAND)
What started as a blatant de-push by Hunt-uh to make his BBF Lame-Arse champion at mania(17 SECONDS!?!?), Complete with what every wwe depush has, a rivalry and/or partnership with that Immobile slab of Meat, Kane. However if life gives you lemon make lemon pie to throw in peoples faces! A silly skit after winning the tag belts was immortalised forever by Dance and Crumble. THIS IS GENIUS!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlhmK-mIWvg
You got four yesses, Dance and Crumble!
YOU'RE GOING TO BOOTCAMP!
THE 138TH (THE MATCH OF THE YEAR)
Congratulations to Impact wrestling! you finally won the big one by working hard! the winner is....
AUSTIN ARIES VS JEFF HARDY AT BOUND FOR GLORY
Jeff hardy is a polarising man. We never know which Jeff hardy will appear at any given time, Will it be Aerial artist that even after marriage and newborn child still has the women going wild or the drug taking mess that cares more about is "paintings" and puts on 19 second showings? His opponent: Austin Aries a man like Punk was atop of his game all year but more comfortable playing the heel, the two combustible components were set in the ring in October but it could has gone off, without a blasting cap full of Jealousy and when it went off the ring was set a blaze with energy,with passion,with emotional input and more importantly fantastic wrestling.
WORST! EPISODE! EVER!
TIE! THE AJ(STYLES) SCANDAL AND THE AJ(LEE) SCANDAL
Congratulations to Impact wrestling(!) You finally won the big one by working hard(!)
Never has a storyline being so bad that is was replicated and made worse! It started like most storylines with something good. At the first all cruiserweight Destination x Last year Styles and Daniels had a clinic "for the spirit of competition" which meant a heel turn whenever anyone says that! And sure enough FOURtune who by then actually had 4 members! imploded! Daniels even turns kaz against styles,who took a vow of silence and promised to break that silence if styles defeated him. In the 4-6 weeks this vow of silence stalled actual ideas for creative to make, in the end they pulled down their trousers, squatted down and "produced"...
AJ BANGING DIXIE CARTER
CUE THE FUCKING FACEPALMS
It was revealed that They were actually rehabbing a pregnant Crack-head named Claire Lynch.
Because if i was on crack i would totally asked help of a man whose job consists to travelling away from me and a women thick enough to hire Eric Bischoff and Vince Russo!
The Claire character was played by universal theme park employee and Actress Julia Reilly who previously worked as that park's Olive Oyl in the popeye Ride. when the smark humour site found photos of the fact they had a field-day!
Weeks later,word for word, scene by scene,WWE DID THE EXACT SAME STORYLINE...AND MADE IT WORSE!
DOCTOR MARVIN WAS SICK (RETURN OF THE YEAR)
And Holy Fuck didn't we have returns this year, But 1 return was always going to win this. and that was....
PSYCHO SID VICIOUS!
Only joking!
It's was off course!
JERRY LAWLER DIES OF HEART ATTACK ON LIVE TV,SURVIVES!
Nothing was more shocking than hearing the abject silence and heavy breathing from lawler after his tag match this summer. Lawler seemed to be snoring into his mic but in fact was dying of a heart attack! he was clinicly dead for 20 minutes before responding to treatment. Of course the Jackasses in the news channels was ready to have yet another witch-hunt until Michael Cole,of all people painted Lawler in a heroic light. and speaking of heroic nothing better describes Lawler's return
THE AWARD FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE LISA FOR WORST FEMALE IS RENAMED THE BELLA AWARD....GUESS WHO IT GOES TO!
For the 3rd year running the Bella twins are the "standard-barriers" for the worst wrestlers in the world I'm sure after being future endevoured they are back where they belong...
At their waitressing jobs at Hooter's!
THE MARGE FOR BEST FEMALE GOES TO....NO-ONE!
IT FINALLY HAPPENED,PEOPLE! WOMEN WRESTLING ON TELEVISION IS OFFICALLY DEAD! A Shallow talent pool up North that resulted in Skank Skank, Both Bella Skanks and Layla the Failure becoming champions and Eve "Botch" Torres becoming the current champion (A.T.O.W.) those who could have being use to keep the ship afloat have left to raise families(Kharma) Disrespected backstage(Beth) or become terrible general managers whose main deciding tool has being a RIGGED Internet Poll (A.J. AND Who would really vote for grown men to hug each other?)
Down south in TEEANDEH RASSLIN', IN DAT THERE THEME PARK, Nepotism saw its way for a failed POPSTAR to have creative control, Brooke Hogans first order of business, Hire Taryn "Tiffany" Terrell. Maybe she can give brooke advice to sell the knockout division for MAGIC BEANZ!
THE POOCHIE (WORST MALE WRESTER)
"GOBSHITE FROM BIG BROTHER" JESSE GODDERZ
I BET THERE ARE GUYS IN IRISH WHIP GOING "OH HE'S GOOD!"
THE HOMER FOR BEST WRESTLER
YEAR OF THE PUNK
For 400 days the title has being tightly gripped by tattooed hands belonging to the man who is no longer the self proclaimed Best in the World. And though the heel turn was shocking, it was needed. One without Johnny Ace, Punk had no-one worthy to cross swords with. and 2, Best to get it out of the way, as long title reigns are usually hated. Familiarity breeds Contempt, and in a roster full of Golden boys,gobshites and Hunt-uh's Brown Tounge Brigade contempt is running wild. I think that punk should have a new theme. Phil like's his 80's pop and this should fit him like a glove?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x34icYC8zA0
Well that's it! I'll see you all at on the thursday after Genesis!
