It was 4am this morning when I realised I couldn't sleep.
Not only from the pot of Black coffee and can of Rockstar I ingested to stay awake to file this report but as well as caffeine coursing through my veins was Anger.
Namely how can 2 different promotions fuck around with their title belts?
But every story begins with a naïve scene of hope! we start 6 hours ago, Watching the Impact Hardcore Justice special filmed in Norfolk, Virginia.
LADDER MATCH FOR 20 POINTS IN THE BFG SERIES!
AUSTIN ARIES VS KAZARIAN VS "EMO" A.J. STYLES VS JEFF HARDY
Kaz gets the ladder but is to genre Savvy to bring it in to be drop kicked. All 4 men perform flying dives on each other to the outside. Kaz throws a ladder at Style's gut. Legscissors by Meth Hardy bring aries out of the ring. Twist of fate countered as Styles throws him out. Aries is the first to try for the clipboard but is thrown off the ladder. Kaz gets hit so hard by the ring post the microphone picks up on the sound! All 4 contestants on the ladder but it's too unstable and gravity takes it's course! Kazarian's stable mates in the new stable, Extraordinary Gentleman Organisation (E.G.O.) Comes out and distracts the ref long enough for Kaz to throw the appletini in Hardy's face
WINNER OF 20 POINTS: KAZARIAN!
By now you've heard that Kurt angle is in rehab after DUI Arrest. I hope he gets better. He is a warrior. Even at the lowest ebb, the tides still turn!
In a hardcore match that they forgot was for the title, Odb defeated Gail Kim and the home-state champion, Mickie James. It was hilariously weird, as O.D.B Choked people with her BRA!
In a complete rehash of the finish of the first match, E.G.O's Bobby Roode won with a Appletini to the face.
Oh and tna ruined it own main event by showing and ad for Bound for glory, WITH BULLY RAY ALREADY HOLDING THE BELT! He did win it after all but god almighty, Dixie, Stop taking money from expectant parents and cripples and fire your production crew for that gaffe!
Well that was Hardcore Justice. and none was served. Speaking of Injustice, under the asterisks are summerslam results.
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SUMMERSLAM 2013 RESULTS
GOBSHITE FROM MTV IS OUR HOST BECAUSE HE CAN'T WRESTLE! HE GETS INTERRUPTED EACH TIME BY FANDANGO, MUCH TO THE DELIGHT OF THE FANDANGOERS! HE IS KNOCKED OUT BY MIZ THE 3RD TIME HE DOES IT!
The Ring of fire was so visually striking and beautifully shot, I just had to just watch it! Bray wyatt won after the Wyatt Family used a fireblanket to get in the burning ring. Kane was then kidnapped by the disturbed newcomers to continue this feud.
Cody Rhodeth defeated Damian Sandow in a Competent feat. Losing to the nepotised little pissant means Sandow is not ready to cash in. Yet!
In a repeat of a match they gave us for free two weeks ago. Adr was triumphant against the always game and confident Christian. Wondrus match that dreams are mad of
Natayla vs One of the Bella Skanks was terrible. Nattie won but no-one cared.
Brock lesner defeated C.M. Punk in the most brutal highly competitive, Exciting matches since the Beast incarnates return.
In the Mixed tag match, The announcers were too busy putting over the sponsors doritos, I don't if this match will be edited or removed from British repeats. Anyway Kaitlyn and Dolph won. As well did sales of Doritos, I'm sure!
And yes I'm getting to the main event! Bryan and Cena had the match of the year!-then Hunt-uh and Blandy Boreton ruined it! Bryan had won the championship when Orton's music started up. Hunt-uh Pedigreed Bryan and BORE-TON WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP!
YOU JUST COULDN'T LET US HAVE 1 NIGHT COULDN'T YOU HUNTER? YOU JUST COULDN'T LET ANYONE SMASH YOUR GLASS CEILING COULDN'T YOU? HOW MUCH OF ORTON CHAPSTICK IS ON YOUR ASS RIGHT NOW? FUCK YOU!
THE BROWN TONGUE BRIGADE STRIKES AGAIN!
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