Welcome to my review of raw, Where as of last night. the entire landscape of wwe has being changed.
We start out with Vince McMahon introducing DX. Later Michaels and HHH brings back the rest of Dx. as for X-pac, we all know he "ate" Chyna in their porno, But it looks Pac has eaten all of Chyna. He is well fat. After making fun of Shawn losing his smile, and posing in PlayGirl. This bring out Damian Sandow who promptly gets buried by his boss.
First match of the night was Jericho, ADR and Ziggler versus 3 card carrying members of Triple h's Brown Tongue Brigade, Mysterio, Sin (enough) Cara and Lame-Arse. Ziggler swerves Jericho for the faces to get the win.
Backstage i Loled when May Young revealed her "son" a guy in a Hand costume.
Foley returned to manage Brodus to squash Thwagger. I know how good Clay really is. Give him a chance to use a bigger moveset.
The wedding was called off when Vince reveled who the new Raw Gm is.....AJ! Well it'll still put her tv but not as a wrestler as we would like. Remember when she was on the indie circuit and she defeated Fail-a and Michelle McTaker when they where joint champions? Neither does WWE. VIDEO OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN IS THEIR MOTTO.
Apart from You Have To Be as Tall As Me to Get A Push-uh!
The fun didnt stop for Bryan as the rock came out and made fun on the short (when is 5,10 "short") Superstar calling him Frodo and a Oompla Loompa. Rock revealed he will be number 1 contender at the Rumble in Janurary. facing who ever is champion. he ended by giving rock bottom to Bryan.
GOBSHITE FROM MTV IS THE NEW IC CHAMPION. As long as he is only holding minor belts i will be happy not to see the chimp faced moron on tv.
After chastisting Heymen, Brock Lesner vs HHH IS ON FOR SUMMERSLAM!
More embarresment for Ginger Nuts as he faced Lita. she introduced the APA .All the past legends opponents swarmed the ring to overwhelm the Jobber.
Kane vs the Jobbers of many nations(Mahal, Hawkins,Reks,Hunico. El Actuallio Asamoano and Mcintyre)
became Kane and 'taker vs J.M.N! it was deemed no contest.
Finally in a twist that no-one saw coming, C M Punk turned heel after an assist from big show. rock made the save for cena then Punk swerved us all. A unexpected gm, a 2 ppv matches made, and the most popular face is turned. Truely the Landscape has changed.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Mitb discussion.
Saw the repeat last night. Must say not impressed. All matches discussed will be of ascending title importance. for those who just started to follow this blog, That means Non-title matches first, then Diva's, tag,Us, Ic world and Lastly WWE.
Curt "Tin-Jerker" Hawkins and Tyler Suks lost but refused to put over RySuck. Hawkins and Reks not without fans this night, but will have to do something more drastic to get attention.
How bad is the women's Division when Generic Blonde With Big Tits (Katlyn) got on tv? She is rarely seen on tv as she is terrible when eve and Katlyn got into the ring i was expecting the entire ring to be sucked into black hole of botched moves. Faces won but do you really care?
the tag championship match was cancelled for monday night so instead we got Black Cena and Shite-us O'neill versus El jobberco Uno and El Jobberco Dos. Colons won making the number 1 contenders look like less than nothing.
In the ppv opener, Ziggler proved to the world that he is every bit the main eventer winning the title shot. Sandow and the Italian proved useless additions relying on doing "comedy" moves (I WAS SCREAMING AT THE TELLY WHEN SANTINO PRETENDED TO BE AFRAID OF HEIGHTS) Nonetheless Ziggler will be ready for his first (Offical) World title reign.
And he could be facing this man, Lame-arse! defeated ADR in a very pedestrian match.
In the Raw mitb, John FUCKING CENA -you know the rest!
And finally Cm punk year of dominance continued despite shenannigans from A.j and his opponent Daniel Bryan. But wont stop there was time will be wasted on the 1000th raw for Yet Another Wedding Angle!
See you tuesday for results on Raw 1000th episode!
Curt "Tin-Jerker" Hawkins and Tyler Suks lost but refused to put over RySuck. Hawkins and Reks not without fans this night, but will have to do something more drastic to get attention.
How bad is the women's Division when Generic Blonde With Big Tits (Katlyn) got on tv? She is rarely seen on tv as she is terrible when eve and Katlyn got into the ring i was expecting the entire ring to be sucked into black hole of botched moves. Faces won but do you really care?
the tag championship match was cancelled for monday night so instead we got Black Cena and Shite-us O'neill versus El jobberco Uno and El Jobberco Dos. Colons won making the number 1 contenders look like less than nothing.
In the ppv opener, Ziggler proved to the world that he is every bit the main eventer winning the title shot. Sandow and the Italian proved useless additions relying on doing "comedy" moves (I WAS SCREAMING AT THE TELLY WHEN SANTINO PRETENDED TO BE AFRAID OF HEIGHTS) Nonetheless Ziggler will be ready for his first (Offical) World title reign.
And he could be facing this man, Lame-arse! defeated ADR in a very pedestrian match.
In the Raw mitb, John FUCKING CENA -you know the rest!
And finally Cm punk year of dominance continued despite shenannigans from A.j and his opponent Daniel Bryan. But wont stop there was time will be wasted on the 1000th raw for Yet Another Wedding Angle!
See you tuesday for results on Raw 1000th episode!
Monday, July 16, 2012
Tekken month:top 10 tracks(Warning! *SPOILERS!*)
GOD NOW I KNOW HOW THE SOUNDTRACK TEAM WORKING ON TAG 2 FEEL.
With 15 years of atmospheric tracks, whittling them down to 10 was no small feat and one that will debate and agrument. So let fate bring those who heed the call, this is top ten tekken tracks.
Nunber 10.
HEAVENLY GARDEN/FALLEN GARDEN(TAG 2)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=evzrS5wS-8
Many people were shocked to find out that Jun was to be the final boss in tag 2 not true orge, However, if it's all about the entrance, then appearing FROM THE DEAD, IN A BALL OF LIGHT, NUKING TRUE ORGE AND STEPPING OUT INTO A RESPLENDENT VISION OF HEAVEN AS THIS PLAYS IS UNDER STATING IT'S AWESOMENESS!
And if you it's think it's over, think again. at the 1:50 mark, this happens
Wow, you talk about the complete oppossite!
You take a calming track and then it drops a dub-step bassline from nowhere into an aggressive-sounding track, while at the same time is composed of the same melodies and instruments. Thats what it is a corruption. The stage is now night , with rotten flowers and water is now Liquid latex or what ever it is (J)Unknown now wears. And it fits perfectly what ever has bought jun back has corrupted her.
Number9
HALL OF JUGEMENT(AKA JIN'S THEME)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FcLplcQ-8
I'm expecting backlash for this having so low for one reason alone: Over-Saturation.
Its was in 4 in the vault. in devil within on 5, Jin and Xiao's pandora form theme in SFXT and gained the hall of judgement name in Tag 2. And after 4, With his new moveset that you had to re-master and the whole selling out your divine mission for a throne crap, Jin has lost favour with the fans. his Initial theme,though is standard.
You can listen to this in your throne all day, blissfully unaware that your mother, cousin and girlfriend are conspiring to kill you!
Number8
JULIA'S THEME
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYnjHcB3DM8
There are piece of music that reflect the personality of the charectors. Jack-2 man of artificality, Armour kings monument Valley and both of Xiaoyu's original tracks. But none capture Julia's reluctant nature to fight than this track builds and builds until the guitar hook brings it on home. Yeah she maybe reluntant to fight but i punished many a player in Sinnott's in Cortown with X AND CIRCLE, CIRCLE, CIRCLE, CIRCLE!
NUMBER 7
ANGER OF THE EARTH
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AsqSRmenf1g
We had piece of music that explained charectors, Now we have a piece music that describes the background! Fighting during an earthquake while a volcano destroys all including a church showing us that fate in god is no match for Mother Nature.
TIED FOR 6!
FALLEN COLONY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSKUVpcF-Xw
AND MADE OF STONE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLzZakiVoiA
These are here for 2 Noodle Incidents in the Tekkeniverse, Namely how did Big Ben get blown up on a beach in Devon? and When was Washington Dc built by Bloody Stupid Johnson?(NO NOT BORIS!~But the incompent artisan builer of Sir Terry Pratchett's Discworld)
Since steve is a Londoner I'm surprised that no-one has ever mentioned this or asked any of the 20+plus American charecters if Obama needs a cherry picker to gets to his office?
These are never asked, and probably never will!
Number 5
QUIET INTERIM REPORT
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vf65nkeBe8ky
Lets talk about Boss Music. Usually it helps to strike a balance between Tenseness and Listening Enjoyment. Too tense, like monument valley and you run too quick making mistakes. Too aesthetically Pleasing, You get caught in the moment and still lose. This Strikes a perfect balance.
NUMBER 4
SPARKING!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_CO64-fvKA
Imagine the scene You are Harada's staff working on T5. Tekken 4 has being visiously panned by critics. But all is well.X and Square and the 4-button super-charger is back, the stages are a mixture of walled and classic free-roaming arenas. Most of the cast whose moves where absorbed by orge are back. Combot is put the same bus as are the Mariachi band that supplied 4's BGM. But how do you show that you've done your homework?
WITH AN BIG ASS INTRO!
And by God isn't the intro all kinds of awesome!
The first is the direct ending to 4. After Jin hands his Daddy and Gran-daddy asses to them, Both are awakened by a helicopter that shoots pods into Honmaru. As the pods reveal themselves to be Jack-4s, For the first time since-ever!, 'Hachi and Kaz team up to take out the killer robots, Until Baztardya in True Bastard with Dada Issues Form, turns on 'hachi, throwing him into the Jack who bundle, then blow up. as Raven looks on confirming the death Heihachi as he cuts a Jack in half.
-Okay intro over lets play this ga-
#I'M HERE NOW~!
wait a second intro?
Yes the Lyric above starts the second intro as Sparking! become bgm. as an intro its really a roster call of who's in the game as well as showing us which of the new charectors are face and hell (Clue: saving kittens,Good! Killing elderly men, BAD!). Its up here for being a rock track and sounding like Linkin Park.
3-WAY TIE FOR THIRD!
CYBORG NINJA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O3wwOJG8RVs
Yoshi's 2nd
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kc0MTQGzwoo
And No Eyes, No Ears...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsvB0s_bI9U
All these have on thing in common they all belong to one man...alien...robot...whatever he is, Yoshimitsu
Yoshi just may be the charector people thing of when they think of Tekken. So ugly and yet so likable. and of all the charectors filled with different personalities. it's the alien that is the most human. All the tracks are immersive techo(in the case of No eyes, no ears-Trance-like) Tracks.
NUMBER 2
EMOTIONLESS PASSION(AKA KAZUYA'S THEME)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G53GWYxRGq8
Seeing and hearing all these tracks as bought back some memories, but hearing this back a painful one:
I Hate The Mist Step!
Before Tekken 3 made the mist step a move that everyone has, it only belonged to the man quickly dubbed as Baztardya, and boy howdy, didn't the Cpu abuse the move so much it didn't take long before you where lying on the ornate carpet, counting lights.
And the number 1 Tekken track is...
BLACK WINTER SKY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bVFnXKpiH5M
If I'm playing a game for the first time, i watch the entire intro from start to finish, so i get the feel of the story and game Quality. And of all the tekken intros, all of them great, Black winter sky is simply acoustic gold. With charectors showing less polygons since there first outing, we are treated to a dynamic Intro, with motorbikes, thunderstorms, exploding shops and a sweeping shot of the hall of kazuya's mansion as the sub boss fly around, ending with Angel holding Kaz in a possessive Manner.
Very telling considering who Angel really is.
So there you have it.
Normal Service to resume tomorrow when i give my opinions on Last nights Money in the bank PPV
With 15 years of atmospheric tracks, whittling them down to 10 was no small feat and one that will debate and agrument. So let fate bring those who heed the call, this is top ten tekken tracks.
Nunber 10.
HEAVENLY GARDEN/FALLEN GARDEN(TAG 2)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=evzrS5wS-8
Many people were shocked to find out that Jun was to be the final boss in tag 2 not true orge, However, if it's all about the entrance, then appearing FROM THE DEAD, IN A BALL OF LIGHT, NUKING TRUE ORGE AND STEPPING OUT INTO A RESPLENDENT VISION OF HEAVEN AS THIS PLAYS IS UNDER STATING IT'S AWESOMENESS!
And if you it's think it's over, think again. at the 1:50 mark, this happens
Wow, you talk about the complete oppossite!
You take a calming track and then it drops a dub-step bassline from nowhere into an aggressive-sounding track, while at the same time is composed of the same melodies and instruments. Thats what it is a corruption. The stage is now night , with rotten flowers and water is now Liquid latex or what ever it is (J)Unknown now wears. And it fits perfectly what ever has bought jun back has corrupted her.
Number9
HALL OF JUGEMENT(AKA JIN'S THEME)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FcLplcQ-8
I'm expecting backlash for this having so low for one reason alone: Over-Saturation.
Its was in 4 in the vault. in devil within on 5, Jin and Xiao's pandora form theme in SFXT and gained the hall of judgement name in Tag 2. And after 4, With his new moveset that you had to re-master and the whole selling out your divine mission for a throne crap, Jin has lost favour with the fans. his Initial theme,though is standard.
You can listen to this in your throne all day, blissfully unaware that your mother, cousin and girlfriend are conspiring to kill you!
Number8
JULIA'S THEME
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYnjHcB3DM8
There are piece of music that reflect the personality of the charectors. Jack-2 man of artificality, Armour kings monument Valley and both of Xiaoyu's original tracks. But none capture Julia's reluctant nature to fight than this track builds and builds until the guitar hook brings it on home. Yeah she maybe reluntant to fight but i punished many a player in Sinnott's in Cortown with X AND CIRCLE, CIRCLE, CIRCLE, CIRCLE!
NUMBER 7
ANGER OF THE EARTH
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AsqSRmenf1g
We had piece of music that explained charectors, Now we have a piece music that describes the background! Fighting during an earthquake while a volcano destroys all including a church showing us that fate in god is no match for Mother Nature.
TIED FOR 6!
FALLEN COLONY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSKUVpcF-Xw
AND MADE OF STONE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLzZakiVoiA
These are here for 2 Noodle Incidents in the Tekkeniverse, Namely how did Big Ben get blown up on a beach in Devon? and When was Washington Dc built by Bloody Stupid Johnson?(NO NOT BORIS!~But the incompent artisan builer of Sir Terry Pratchett's Discworld)
Since steve is a Londoner I'm surprised that no-one has ever mentioned this or asked any of the 20+plus American charecters if Obama needs a cherry picker to gets to his office?
These are never asked, and probably never will!
Number 5
QUIET INTERIM REPORT
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vf65nkeBe8ky
Lets talk about Boss Music. Usually it helps to strike a balance between Tenseness and Listening Enjoyment. Too tense, like monument valley and you run too quick making mistakes. Too aesthetically Pleasing, You get caught in the moment and still lose. This Strikes a perfect balance.
NUMBER 4
SPARKING!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n_CO64-fvKA
Imagine the scene You are Harada's staff working on T5. Tekken 4 has being visiously panned by critics. But all is well.X and Square and the 4-button super-charger is back, the stages are a mixture of walled and classic free-roaming arenas. Most of the cast whose moves where absorbed by orge are back. Combot is put the same bus as are the Mariachi band that supplied 4's BGM. But how do you show that you've done your homework?
WITH AN BIG ASS INTRO!
And by God isn't the intro all kinds of awesome!
The first is the direct ending to 4. After Jin hands his Daddy and Gran-daddy asses to them, Both are awakened by a helicopter that shoots pods into Honmaru. As the pods reveal themselves to be Jack-4s, For the first time since-ever!, 'Hachi and Kaz team up to take out the killer robots, Until Baztardya in True Bastard with Dada Issues Form, turns on 'hachi, throwing him into the Jack who bundle, then blow up. as Raven looks on confirming the death Heihachi as he cuts a Jack in half.
-Okay intro over lets play this ga-
#I'M HERE NOW~!
wait a second intro?
Yes the Lyric above starts the second intro as Sparking! become bgm. as an intro its really a roster call of who's in the game as well as showing us which of the new charectors are face and hell (Clue: saving kittens,Good! Killing elderly men, BAD!). Its up here for being a rock track and sounding like Linkin Park.
3-WAY TIE FOR THIRD!
CYBORG NINJA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O3wwOJG8RVs
Yoshi's 2nd
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kc0MTQGzwoo
And No Eyes, No Ears...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsvB0s_bI9U
All these have on thing in common they all belong to one man...alien...robot...whatever he is, Yoshimitsu
Yoshi just may be the charector people thing of when they think of Tekken. So ugly and yet so likable. and of all the charectors filled with different personalities. it's the alien that is the most human. All the tracks are immersive techo(in the case of No eyes, no ears-Trance-like) Tracks.
NUMBER 2
EMOTIONLESS PASSION(AKA KAZUYA'S THEME)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G53GWYxRGq8
Seeing and hearing all these tracks as bought back some memories, but hearing this back a painful one:
I Hate The Mist Step!
Before Tekken 3 made the mist step a move that everyone has, it only belonged to the man quickly dubbed as Baztardya, and boy howdy, didn't the Cpu abuse the move so much it didn't take long before you where lying on the ornate carpet, counting lights.
And the number 1 Tekken track is...
BLACK WINTER SKY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bVFnXKpiH5M
If I'm playing a game for the first time, i watch the entire intro from start to finish, so i get the feel of the story and game Quality. And of all the tekken intros, all of them great, Black winter sky is simply acoustic gold. With charectors showing less polygons since there first outing, we are treated to a dynamic Intro, with motorbikes, thunderstorms, exploding shops and a sweeping shot of the hall of kazuya's mansion as the sub boss fly around, ending with Angel holding Kaz in a possessive Manner.
Very telling considering who Angel really is.
So there you have it.
Normal Service to resume tomorrow when i give my opinions on Last nights Money in the bank PPV
Monday, July 2, 2012
Tekken month:Eamonn reviews Tekken Live Action.
This months theme -Jin's theme-Tekken 3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FcLPL8cQ-8
Welcome to Tekken Month here at The Enlightened Page. Many Have been Wondering why I;m reviewing a film here and not on Bogger Box office.
2 words.
Old Shame.
Back in 2009 I said was excited about the tekken movie as i saw the first stills and liked what i saw.
The GamesMaster did an interview with Harada that said Optimum payed him and his Staff NOT to overview the production, we feared the worst.
And what was the worst?
Missing charecters, Misplaced Etnicities and a yoshimtsu costume from Eurosaver!
So let's Insert coins to play Tekken live Action.
So Instead of the actual tekken storyline we are plunged into a shitty rip-off of Running Man, where it's really 2034, not present day and the world is now run by corporations not governments.
Okay is this about the "war" between Mishima Zaibatsu and G-gorp? because they are not countries. Never onces did Heihachi or Kazuya invaded countries, Jin tried to invade Spain but the U.N. stopped that shit cold just like in real life.
And if it was always the cause that whole continents were ALWAYS controlled by companies wouldn't stating the nationality in manuals be pointless? Nina was always refered to as Irish. I never saw her referred to as being from "Brikhausen" as they call Europe here.
We begin the film proper as Jin (john Foo) evades Kalishplosions in his fetch quest for an Internet Router. He lives in what was new york (now called Anvil, yes really) in the USA (now called Tekken, Yes really)
After being payed by $500 by Bonner, Jin watches a press conference held by Heihaci(played by Tsang sung from Mortal Kombat), Jin buys coffee, an orange and a bar of chocolate(all illegal here!) from Tiger Jackson and...wait what?
They are giving speaking part to an actor to play a one-shot character?
We Cut to Heihachi and Kazuya (played by a white actor) Inspecting the Jacks(Really the tekken Force, but hey if actually got Namco to watch the film then it would never have came out with the amount of mistakes to correct!) At least they get something right, Kazuya despites his father still.
Jin returns home to his mother, Jun making this film around the tekken 3 storyline hadn't the timeline being butchered.
So Mother and son have an arguement which goes something like this
-Mom, why did you train me to fight while banning me from the tourney?
-Well. its got nothing to do with the Angel I turn into and the Devil Kaz turns into forcing us to have the sex that conceived you!
-WHAT????!?
-NOTHING!
Whatever! Here's hoping you don't die, so I'm forced to join tekken to find answers to your murder!
Aaaaaaand five minutes later, she's dead!
Searching the rubble that was his house, he finds Jun's tekken worker I.D.
So Jin goes to the open match run by Steve fox (Luke Goss)
Don't remember him? let me refresh you're memory
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8OiXa4R0esy
Don't ask me which he is, they all look the same.
So Jin defeats Marshall Law(wow, Law just can't catch a break, First Forrestt gets in a bike accident, He loses his restaurant, and now he was sent into space in the Pandorra with Paul ,and now this!)
Oh and just to piss off fans further Tekken is now Cagefighting, because tekken is not known for open fighting in stunning backdrops, no, it's known for repetitive moves in confined spaces.
Steve becomes Jin's agent and they head to Iron fist stadium
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ic4LfioBxBE
Did you enjoy that piece of legit tekken action well have it destroyed by the next scene
Kazuya having a threesome with Anna and Nina!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6utE5APd4wA
Even Lee had his ass handed to him by both for even suggesting that in Tekken Amine, But Kazuya? He doesn't have the time between Killing his son and father repeatedly to have time with the ladies.
Next night,(as all this was shot at night) Kazuya reveals the competitors.
http://www.tekkenpedia.com/wiki/Christie
if you scroll down on the above page you will see Kelly Overtun who plays Christie in this film.
Word of God from Harada tell us claims Christie's Design is based on this women
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBmMULiwetU
Can we get a picture of Kelly Overtun and beyonce together?
Wow(!) It's like they were seperated at birth(!)
First Round, Raven defeats Eddy, Jin Defeats Miguel, After his Match Christie invites him to go clubbing, ending the scene with a kiss that will upset Jin/Xiao shippers and Christie/Eddy shippers. As Christie leaves, Jin is attacked by the Williams Dressed as Ninjas. Steve is pissed that Tekken is rigging the competition.
Round 2, Christie vs Nina, Whose famous Catsuit is now a bikini and assless chaps, is defeated by Christie.
Backstage Kazuya blackmails Bryan about his Cybernetic enhancements, Paying him€1000,000 for the service of killing Jin.
Yoshimistu vs Jin is next. Kaz launches his takeover of Tekken. Steve gives Jin his power gloves. Kaz reveals during the fight that he is Jin's father.
Heihachi saves Jin after Jin Kills Yoshi.
All the fighters get detained, Kaz tells Jin that Yoshi is alive but ratings spiked so high the remainder of the tournament will be to the death.Raven,Jin, Christie and Steve have a break out, leaving the Williams to rot, They rescue Heihachi and take him to Anvil City, Where Jin told that not only is Kaz his father, he is a Rape Baby.
The Jacks destroy the safe house and kills Steve and Heihachi and captures christie.
Under the new rules, Bryan kills Dragonov, And Kazuya taunts Jin. The game does it better.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KIHbRpzXW1Y
Raven gives Jin words of encourgement before the final:
JIN VS BRYAN
As he found out in Tekken 4, Bryan's Malfuntioning Cyperparts actually enhance his strength, But using a diving kick from a tower, Jin Kills Bryan.
Kaz goes to fight his son with axes.
Lets finish this!
Christie escapes distacting Kazuya long enough to lose.Returning home, Jin becomes Leader of the Resistance.
Hopefully the Resistance has supplied a Throne Room for him to sit and look Emo on.
THIS FILM SUCKS!
You can see that this was no effort to make an actual canonic experience for fans. Miscast actors, most of them the wrong race and Incessant Terminology of Tekken terms, make this a detached experiece of actual tekken storyline.They're some good points, the costumes makes the actors look the Tekken Fighters...from a distance. But the fight scences, Kalishplosions and collapsable walls in some fight scenes make look like an episode of Power Rangers.
Not the kind of thing a fan of Martial Arts films wants to hear.
But if you want to read how to do a Tekken film RIGHT, Stay tuned to boggerboxoffice.blogspot.com
CREDITS
Tekken live action Review was Written, edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With clips from:
Tekken Live Action
Russel Howard's Good News
Tekkenpedia
With music:
Jin's theme from Tekken 3
When Will I Be Famous by Bros
Girls(Who Runs The World?) by Beyonce
All clips belong to there respected owners, all Rights Reserved
Tekken is the property of Namco/Bandai
and Tekken live action is produced by Optimum Releasing.
Follow me on youtube on http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FcLPL8cQ-8
Welcome to Tekken Month here at The Enlightened Page. Many Have been Wondering why I;m reviewing a film here and not on Bogger Box office.
2 words.
Old Shame.
Back in 2009 I said was excited about the tekken movie as i saw the first stills and liked what i saw.
The GamesMaster did an interview with Harada that said Optimum payed him and his Staff NOT to overview the production, we feared the worst.
And what was the worst?
Missing charecters, Misplaced Etnicities and a yoshimtsu costume from Eurosaver!
So let's Insert coins to play Tekken live Action.
So Instead of the actual tekken storyline we are plunged into a shitty rip-off of Running Man, where it's really 2034, not present day and the world is now run by corporations not governments.
Okay is this about the "war" between Mishima Zaibatsu and G-gorp? because they are not countries. Never onces did Heihachi or Kazuya invaded countries, Jin tried to invade Spain but the U.N. stopped that shit cold just like in real life.
And if it was always the cause that whole continents were ALWAYS controlled by companies wouldn't stating the nationality in manuals be pointless? Nina was always refered to as Irish. I never saw her referred to as being from "Brikhausen" as they call Europe here.
We begin the film proper as Jin (john Foo) evades Kalishplosions in his fetch quest for an Internet Router. He lives in what was new york (now called Anvil, yes really) in the USA (now called Tekken, Yes really)
After being payed by $500 by Bonner, Jin watches a press conference held by Heihaci(played by Tsang sung from Mortal Kombat), Jin buys coffee, an orange and a bar of chocolate(all illegal here!) from Tiger Jackson and...wait what?
They are giving speaking part to an actor to play a one-shot character?
We Cut to Heihachi and Kazuya (played by a white actor) Inspecting the Jacks(Really the tekken Force, but hey if actually got Namco to watch the film then it would never have came out with the amount of mistakes to correct!) At least they get something right, Kazuya despites his father still.
Jin returns home to his mother, Jun making this film around the tekken 3 storyline hadn't the timeline being butchered.
So Mother and son have an arguement which goes something like this
-Mom, why did you train me to fight while banning me from the tourney?
-Well. its got nothing to do with the Angel I turn into and the Devil Kaz turns into forcing us to have the sex that conceived you!
-WHAT????!?
-NOTHING!
Whatever! Here's hoping you don't die, so I'm forced to join tekken to find answers to your murder!
Aaaaaaand five minutes later, she's dead!
Searching the rubble that was his house, he finds Jun's tekken worker I.D.
So Jin goes to the open match run by Steve fox (Luke Goss)
Don't remember him? let me refresh you're memory
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8OiXa4R0esy
Don't ask me which he is, they all look the same.
So Jin defeats Marshall Law(wow, Law just can't catch a break, First Forrestt gets in a bike accident, He loses his restaurant, and now he was sent into space in the Pandorra with Paul ,and now this!)
Oh and just to piss off fans further Tekken is now Cagefighting, because tekken is not known for open fighting in stunning backdrops, no, it's known for repetitive moves in confined spaces.
Steve becomes Jin's agent and they head to Iron fist stadium
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ic4LfioBxBE
Did you enjoy that piece of legit tekken action well have it destroyed by the next scene
Kazuya having a threesome with Anna and Nina!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6utE5APd4wA
Even Lee had his ass handed to him by both for even suggesting that in Tekken Amine, But Kazuya? He doesn't have the time between Killing his son and father repeatedly to have time with the ladies.
Next night,(as all this was shot at night) Kazuya reveals the competitors.
- Raven(G-Corp,making him Arabic and not Canadian) Played by a Wesley Snipes Lookalike, because he didn't need the money(Ironically,Snipes was popped for Tax Evasion in 2009 when this was in production!)
- Eddy Gordo(ValenCorp) Now an "underground enforcer with a bounty on his head"
- Dragonov-Who has a healthy tan for a Goth!
- The Williams Sisters(representing Eyderdex, Making them...South African?)
- Christie Monterio (from Veltrocorp, Making her Australian, More on her Charecter Assassination later!)
- Miguel Rojo(Making him a Cannon emigrant)
- Yoshimitsu(you can see the zip on his costume's back)
- And Finally Bryan Fury who all things considered looks more like he's supposed to.
http://www.tekkenpedia.com/wiki/Christie
if you scroll down on the above page you will see Kelly Overtun who plays Christie in this film.
Word of God from Harada tell us claims Christie's Design is based on this women
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBmMULiwetU
Can we get a picture of Kelly Overtun and beyonce together?
Wow(!) It's like they were seperated at birth(!)
First Round, Raven defeats Eddy, Jin Defeats Miguel, After his Match Christie invites him to go clubbing, ending the scene with a kiss that will upset Jin/Xiao shippers and Christie/Eddy shippers. As Christie leaves, Jin is attacked by the Williams Dressed as Ninjas. Steve is pissed that Tekken is rigging the competition.
Round 2, Christie vs Nina, Whose famous Catsuit is now a bikini and assless chaps, is defeated by Christie.
Backstage Kazuya blackmails Bryan about his Cybernetic enhancements, Paying him€1000,000 for the service of killing Jin.
Yoshimistu vs Jin is next. Kaz launches his takeover of Tekken. Steve gives Jin his power gloves. Kaz reveals during the fight that he is Jin's father.
Heihachi saves Jin after Jin Kills Yoshi.
All the fighters get detained, Kaz tells Jin that Yoshi is alive but ratings spiked so high the remainder of the tournament will be to the death.Raven,Jin, Christie and Steve have a break out, leaving the Williams to rot, They rescue Heihachi and take him to Anvil City, Where Jin told that not only is Kaz his father, he is a Rape Baby.
The Jacks destroy the safe house and kills Steve and Heihachi and captures christie.
Under the new rules, Bryan kills Dragonov, And Kazuya taunts Jin. The game does it better.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KIHbRpzXW1Y
Raven gives Jin words of encourgement before the final:
JIN VS BRYAN
As he found out in Tekken 4, Bryan's Malfuntioning Cyperparts actually enhance his strength, But using a diving kick from a tower, Jin Kills Bryan.
Kaz goes to fight his son with axes.
Lets finish this!
Christie escapes distacting Kazuya long enough to lose.Returning home, Jin becomes Leader of the Resistance.
Hopefully the Resistance has supplied a Throne Room for him to sit and look Emo on.
THIS FILM SUCKS!
You can see that this was no effort to make an actual canonic experience for fans. Miscast actors, most of them the wrong race and Incessant Terminology of Tekken terms, make this a detached experiece of actual tekken storyline.They're some good points, the costumes makes the actors look the Tekken Fighters...from a distance. But the fight scences, Kalishplosions and collapsable walls in some fight scenes make look like an episode of Power Rangers.
Not the kind of thing a fan of Martial Arts films wants to hear.
But if you want to read how to do a Tekken film RIGHT, Stay tuned to boggerboxoffice.blogspot.com
CREDITS
Tekken live action Review was Written, edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With clips from:
Tekken Live Action
Russel Howard's Good News
Tekkenpedia
With music:
Jin's theme from Tekken 3
When Will I Be Famous by Bros
Girls(Who Runs The World?) by Beyonce
All clips belong to there respected owners, all Rights Reserved
Tekken is the property of Namco/Bandai
and Tekken live action is produced by Optimum Releasing.
Follow me on youtube on http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment.
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