http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FcLPL8cQ-8
Welcome to Tekken Month here at The Enlightened Page. Many Have been Wondering why I;m reviewing a film here and not on Bogger Box office.
2 words.
Old Shame.
Back in 2009 I said was excited about the tekken movie as i saw the first stills and liked what i saw.
The GamesMaster did an interview with Harada that said Optimum payed him and his Staff NOT to overview the production, we feared the worst.
And what was the worst?
Missing charecters, Misplaced Etnicities and a yoshimtsu costume from Eurosaver!
So let's Insert coins to play Tekken live Action.
So Instead of the actual tekken storyline we are plunged into a shitty rip-off of Running Man, where it's really 2034, not present day and the world is now run by corporations not governments.
Okay is this about the "war" between Mishima Zaibatsu and G-gorp? because they are not countries. Never onces did Heihachi or Kazuya invaded countries, Jin tried to invade Spain but the U.N. stopped that shit cold just like in real life.
And if it was always the cause that whole continents were ALWAYS controlled by companies wouldn't stating the nationality in manuals be pointless? Nina was always refered to as Irish. I never saw her referred to as being from "Brikhausen" as they call Europe here.
We begin the film proper as Jin (john Foo) evades Kalishplosions in his fetch quest for an Internet Router. He lives in what was new york (now called Anvil, yes really) in the USA (now called Tekken, Yes really)
After being payed by $500 by Bonner, Jin watches a press conference held by Heihaci(played by Tsang sung from Mortal Kombat), Jin buys coffee, an orange and a bar of chocolate(all illegal here!) from Tiger Jackson and...wait what?
They are giving speaking part to an actor to play a one-shot character?
We Cut to Heihachi and Kazuya (played by a white actor) Inspecting the Jacks(Really the tekken Force, but hey if actually got Namco to watch the film then it would never have came out with the amount of mistakes to correct!) At least they get something right, Kazuya despites his father still.
Jin returns home to his mother, Jun making this film around the tekken 3 storyline hadn't the timeline being butchered.
So Mother and son have an arguement which goes something like this
-Mom, why did you train me to fight while banning me from the tourney?
-Well. its got nothing to do with the Angel I turn into and the Devil Kaz turns into forcing us to have the sex that conceived you!
-WHAT????!?
-NOTHING!
Whatever! Here's hoping you don't die, so I'm forced to join tekken to find answers to your murder!
Aaaaaaand five minutes later, she's dead!
Searching the rubble that was his house, he finds Jun's tekken worker I.D.
So Jin goes to the open match run by Steve fox (Luke Goss)
Don't remember him? let me refresh you're memory
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8OiXa4R0esy
Don't ask me which he is, they all look the same.
So Jin defeats Marshall Law(wow, Law just can't catch a break, First Forrestt gets in a bike accident, He loses his restaurant, and now he was sent into space in the Pandorra with Paul ,and now this!)
Oh and just to piss off fans further Tekken is now Cagefighting, because tekken is not known for open fighting in stunning backdrops, no, it's known for repetitive moves in confined spaces.
Steve becomes Jin's agent and they head to Iron fist stadium
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ic4LfioBxBE
Did you enjoy that piece of legit tekken action well have it destroyed by the next scene
Kazuya having a threesome with Anna and Nina!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6utE5APd4wA
Even Lee had his ass handed to him by both for even suggesting that in Tekken Amine, But Kazuya? He doesn't have the time between Killing his son and father repeatedly to have time with the ladies.
Next night,(as all this was shot at night) Kazuya reveals the competitors.
- Raven(G-Corp,making him Arabic and not Canadian) Played by a Wesley Snipes Lookalike, because he didn't need the money(Ironically,Snipes was popped for Tax Evasion in 2009 when this was in production!)
- Eddy Gordo(ValenCorp) Now an "underground enforcer with a bounty on his head"
- Dragonov-Who has a healthy tan for a Goth!
- The Williams Sisters(representing Eyderdex, Making them...South African?)
- Christie Monterio (from Veltrocorp, Making her Australian, More on her Charecter Assassination later!)
- Miguel Rojo(Making him a Cannon emigrant)
- Yoshimitsu(you can see the zip on his costume's back)
- And Finally Bryan Fury who all things considered looks more like he's supposed to.
http://www.tekkenpedia.com/wiki/Christie
if you scroll down on the above page you will see Kelly Overtun who plays Christie in this film.
Word of God from Harada tell us claims Christie's Design is based on this women
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBmMULiwetU
Can we get a picture of Kelly Overtun and beyonce together?
Wow(!) It's like they were seperated at birth(!)
First Round, Raven defeats Eddy, Jin Defeats Miguel, After his Match Christie invites him to go clubbing, ending the scene with a kiss that will upset Jin/Xiao shippers and Christie/Eddy shippers. As Christie leaves, Jin is attacked by the Williams Dressed as Ninjas. Steve is pissed that Tekken is rigging the competition.
Round 2, Christie vs Nina, Whose famous Catsuit is now a bikini and assless chaps, is defeated by Christie.
Backstage Kazuya blackmails Bryan about his Cybernetic enhancements, Paying him€1000,000 for the service of killing Jin.
Yoshimistu vs Jin is next. Kaz launches his takeover of Tekken. Steve gives Jin his power gloves. Kaz reveals during the fight that he is Jin's father.
Heihachi saves Jin after Jin Kills Yoshi.
All the fighters get detained, Kaz tells Jin that Yoshi is alive but ratings spiked so high the remainder of the tournament will be to the death.Raven,Jin, Christie and Steve have a break out, leaving the Williams to rot, They rescue Heihachi and take him to Anvil City, Where Jin told that not only is Kaz his father, he is a Rape Baby.
The Jacks destroy the safe house and kills Steve and Heihachi and captures christie.
Under the new rules, Bryan kills Dragonov, And Kazuya taunts Jin. The game does it better.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KIHbRpzXW1Y
Raven gives Jin words of encourgement before the final:
JIN VS BRYAN
As he found out in Tekken 4, Bryan's Malfuntioning Cyperparts actually enhance his strength, But using a diving kick from a tower, Jin Kills Bryan.
Kaz goes to fight his son with axes.
Lets finish this!
Christie escapes distacting Kazuya long enough to lose.Returning home, Jin becomes Leader of the Resistance.
Hopefully the Resistance has supplied a Throne Room for him to sit and look Emo on.
THIS FILM SUCKS!
You can see that this was no effort to make an actual canonic experience for fans. Miscast actors, most of them the wrong race and Incessant Terminology of Tekken terms, make this a detached experiece of actual tekken storyline.They're some good points, the costumes makes the actors look the Tekken Fighters...from a distance. But the fight scences, Kalishplosions and collapsable walls in some fight scenes make look like an episode of Power Rangers.
Not the kind of thing a fan of Martial Arts films wants to hear.
But if you want to read how to do a Tekken film RIGHT, Stay tuned to boggerboxoffice.blogspot.com
CREDITS
Tekken live action Review was Written, edited and compiled by Eamonn Bermingham
With clips from:
Tekken Live Action
Russel Howard's Good News
Tekkenpedia
With music:
Jin's theme from Tekken 3
When Will I Be Famous by Bros
Girls(Who Runs The World?) by Beyonce
All clips belong to there respected owners, all Rights Reserved
Tekken is the property of Namco/Bandai
and Tekken live action is produced by Optimum Releasing.
Follow me on youtube on http://www.youtube.com/user/ThePathofenlightment.
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