(THIS IS PART 2. PART 1 CAN BE FOUND AT BOGGER BOX OFFICE!)
(we open to a darkened room that lights up when a silver figure walks toward a man slumped beaten in a metallic chair, welded to the floor.Without a change of emotion. the cyborg throws Joe-jack's clothes at Eamonn.)
YOU ARE DEFEATED!
-What are going to do to me?
You will be taken to my lab and experimented on. In your death, you will contribute to the building of anti-magic weaponry. But before I Kill you, 1 thing I found interesting is human's affinity for torture.
Curiosity. for something that killed us all like vermin, you have gained our emotions, Not a bad trick for a mobile!
(she hit Eamonn hard. blood was spilt.)
Anger. that's one of our strongest. but it's not the strongest power we have. Stronger that Anger or Magic. Hope.
HOPE IS IRRELEVANT!
Hope Irrelevant? never! all I have accomplished is down to hope. I've defeated SatanicOstrich, zombies,The Order of Samael, both sex and city movies, bombed a supermarket and joined TGWTG. All because of hope.
(the cyborg hunched over the chair. it's transformed into it's master, Edwin Tantalus.
Hope? there is no such thing.Not for me. Not for you. Not without my creation. It has given me what Man has always, ALWAYS wanted to do. Live Forever.
But if you are immortal, why kidnap your younger self? And Why turn your Earth into a time Machine?
You are so Proud of Human's Curiosity.
(Edwin pressed a button.)
lets put it to its limit.
the Marine starts to play.
AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!
Yes who else is crazy enough to review a film with the wrestler dislike the most, than me?, the Caffeine Fiend himself, the "Enlightened" Eamonn Bermingham. If you have being to this blog before then you know of my detraction of anything John Cena. Why? the Man is a Modern day Hulk Hogan: The Face of the Company who's Popularity exceeds his limited move-set (given the explanation of the name, "Mr.4-MOVES"), Whose clean-cut persona is nothing more of a veneer of an egomaniac who has betrayed his closest friends to get and stay at the top.
And much like Hogan before him, Cena has admitted a want to make films. However Vince McMahon was fearful of anymore of his cashcows going to greener pastures, that WWE FILMS was born! This was the first thing they squatted over,clenched and "produced". Given that already from wwe films have being responsible for Kane putting eyeballs in Bottles of Canada Dry and Lisa Simpson making goo-goo eyes at Hunt-uh, should I ever review Marine 3 with GOBSHITE FROM MTV!? Probably, but I'd have to take a mental health day afterwards.
So lets review this and save the FUCKING UNIVERSE!
We open in Iraq as terrorists have captured 3 marines. In the next room John Triton(FUCKING CENA) Disobeys orders. After Channeling Kool-Aid Man, Cena rescues the others. Only to get Discharged the next day.
So john returns home to his wife Kate(Kelly Carlson, who was also in 12 Rounds, which is essentially the same film). Kate worries that John will fit in as a civilian in his new job.
We cut to a Jewellers as we see our villain played by Robert Patrick
HOLIEST OF SHITS! THE T-2000 IS IN THIS? THIS IS GOING TO BE BAD-ASS!
Sure Enough, Roam's(Patrick) gang steal Diamonds in an exciting scene, Roam kills one of his men when he calls him name loud enough for the by-standers to hear.
When the police arrive a 3rd Insider, posing as a newsagent takes out the cop-car with a rocket-launcher!
BAD-ASS!
But never mind the hero and villian crossing paths just yet, lets go to Johnny Boy's job as a security Guard for some action Film "FUNNY BANTER" As Triton is teamed with a Kevin James Stand-In must separate a Jessica Biel Stand-in from a Ryan Reynolds Stand-in.
Wait this film was created in'05 when Reynolds was in that Septic Sitcom 2 GUYS AND A GIRL. WWE could have got the actual Reynolds at this time. So John gets In a fight, throwing Not-Reynolds into the pane glass window.
So John is fired. again. We cut to Roam's Hotel as a mysterious voice on a phone threatens Rome for his reckless behaviour.
We cut to john telling not-Kevin James that he'll tell Kate what happened at work. Except she knows. God Cena have you never heard of Youtube? Where do you think thing I found this?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlTfcpvs53Y
Naturally Kateis upset, But wants to take a holiday in the mountains.
We cut to a chop-shop where Roam's Black henchman, Morgan, is told to pick-up a mini-van, but spies a Cadillac but is told not to take it.
Yeah that's right!
Have a thief tell another thief not to steal.
Surely taking the Moral High-ground is the right course of action.
So the Tritons are on holiday and filling up on petrol when they encounter Rome's gang. When cop-car pulls up, Roams gang kills the police. and kidnaps Kate. Rather Than say, let the police do their job,Cena plays the hero. And that's the plot to the marine. took long enough and I'm nearly finished.
So Johnny boy steals a cop car as the gang drives onto a construction site. When a gang member calls John Terminator. Roam has an actor illusion moment. John's car becomes a fireball and veers of a cliff, but John Cena doesn't sell to fire and gravity as Triton survives. Roam tells his gang to take cover in the swamp. Killing one of his men to lure out alligators. Kate tries to escape, but Angel stops her. Roam tells his boss that he's keeping the diamonds.
John is captured by Drug-dealers, as the gang is nearly caught by the coastguard. After fighting the secret love-child of Terry Crews and Michael Clarke-Duncan, Triton finds the gang hold up in a shack. So John Kills Morgan, Making his monologue a scene earlier,pointless!
John eavesdrops on Roam telling the chop-shop to supply a car, he's going to Phoenix. He calls over Bennett who exposites that he' the gang's boating expert.
ooooh,he's being given a name and a back-story, He's up for the chop next!
Aaaaaannnnnd five minutes later, he's dead!
So Kate escapes and has a fight with Angel, only to be captured again. the cop trailing Roam has a Heel Turn and demands a cut of the diamonds. Roam destroys the shack and kills the cop in the Process. John is arrested but not even Law can make Cena Job. The Gang steal a truck to drive to a marina but Triton intercepts on his STOLEN! police boat. Killing angel by throwing her into the glass and mesh of a passing truck, the last thing we see is the diamonds falling covered in copious amounts of blood.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OISR3al5Bnk
Let's finish this, John rescues Kate from a sinking truck on fire (YEAH, BAD-ASS!) And Roam is killed in a nod to Terminator 2.
THIS FILM SUCKS!
This art imitating life, as John Cena a Boring Invincible Hero, plays John Triton, a Boring Invincible Hero. Not even things like bullets, fire,gravity, Lung Capacity, or Underwater Inertia can Make John Cena Job to them. The smouldering hot Kelly Carlson is too hot to play the dutiful wife role, and the supporting cast are not strong. In the End the film has five word saving Grace.
ROBERT. PATRICK. IS.BAD.ASS.
(Master control had returned to it's form. her finger pressed a switch that sucked Eamonn into a time vortex back to 1982, what cruel irony. but in doing so the ripples of time destroyed all of her fleet and soldiers as she was separated from her master body. standing at the epicentre of the time ripples were Joe-jack and Eamonn.)
A MIRACULOUS TURN OF EVENTS HAVE SAVE OUR WORLD BUT WILL IT BE ENOUGH? FIND OUT ON BOGGER BOGGER BOX OFFICE NEXT WEEK!
